 At first glance, these movies have nothing in common. I will confess that I juggled around half a dozen of the films on the new bracket to try and make some sort of comparative sense out of them, and these were the last two I couldn't quite reconcile. As it turns out, they had way more similarities than I ever could've predicted: saturated technicolor, gas-station couture (my FAVORITE KIND of couture!), and a bold new way to approach the depiction of violence in film. Birds of Prey: And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn (2020)Directed by: Cathy Yan Written by: Christina Hodson, based on the character created by Paul Dini & Bruce Timm Starring: Margot Robbie, Rosie Perez, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Jurnee Smollett-Bell, Ella Jay Basco IMDB Synopsis: After splitting with the Joker, Harley Quinn joins superheroes Black Canary, Huntress and Renee Montoya to save a young girl from an evil crime lord. Cathy Yan..."I really wanted to show these women as imperfect human beings, and that they can still be aspirational. They can still be these superheroes, but it doesn’t mean that they have to be perfect. I think that we’re burdened as women with perfection all the time."
Birds of Prey is an aesthetically delicious visual masterpiece with a kinky punch in the stomach to boot. It's like a cupcake with a razor blade in it, equal parts glitter and blood. Ultimately Han deserves all the credit for picking her sidekicks, but much like the movie itself, this was a team effort.
So what do you get when you combine the Production Designer who gave us this....
...With the Costume Designer who gave us this? (That's right, Benach is the woman responsible for Ryan Gosling's ICONIC silver scorpion jacket from Drive).
You get something truly fantabulous, that's what: Han was highly praised for her depiction of violence in the film, and rightly so - no, not the 10,000 (or more) bone-crunching, leg-breaking, knee-knockers (seriously, SO many legs and balls were broken in this movie that I legit lost count) - but her deft hand when it came to dealing with violence against women. It's a razor sharp line between sensationalizing brutality against women and allowing room for equal-opportunity violence, especially when you're a woman (and WOC at that) making a super hero movie. On the one hand, these women are badass and we WANT to see them get bruised and dirty and sweaty, otherwise it's not a fair fight and there's no point watching. On the other hand, I do not relish the thought of being forced to see a woman get the shit beaten out of her by a group of the super villain's henchman, especially if they're going to try and make it look sexy. The solution? A DANCE NUMBER, OBVIOUSLY. The first time I saw a move like this was in 2011's Sucker Punch - right before the first hit, cut to your heroine dancing in a larger-than-life, dazzling musical masterpiece. We'll know the beating is done with the music ends, and not only is this a psychologically accurate depiction of the disassociation that often accompanies moments of violent trauma, it lets the audience know what's happening without forcing us to desensitize ourselves while watching it. What a brilliant, creative, and powerful way to tell a necessary part of the story. Because there's nothing sexy about a woman getting beaten up... But there is something very sexy about a woman who's gotten beaten up having her revenge. And what a BALLSY move to have Robbie sing "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend!" Not only did it make totally Quinn-esque tongue-in-cheek sense, it both paid homage to and reinvented Nicole Kidman's similar number in Moulin Rouge! Not an easy feat to pull off, but it would appear that walking the line is Cathy Han's super power. Queen & Slim (2020)Directed by: Melina Matsoukas Written by: Lena Waithe & James Frey Starring: Daniel Kaluuya & Jodie Turner-Smith IMDB Synopsis: A couple's first date takes an unexpected turn when a police officer pulls them over. Melina Matsoukas..."I didn’t really feel like I grew up seeing two dark-skinned people fall in love on screen. I had never really seen that connection between two people who looked like our Queen and Slim, like Jodie and Daniel. I really wanted to be part of redefining what black beauty – well, beauty – means. I also think about when I went to film school and they said: “Hey, casting a black woman as your lead won’t be profitable.”
Never heard of Matsoukas before? Chances are, you've seen her work: this was her first feature, but she's been directing music videos for years. Matsoukas was the visionary genius behind Rihanna's We Found Love and Beyoncé's Formation (for which she won a Grammy), amongst others. And while I'm singing the praises of under-appreciated womxn genius, a moment of highly deserved acknowledgement is due to the other creative goddesses on this project: (LENA WAITHE I AM SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU OH MY GOD)
Starting this bracket has made me extremely analytical (and self-conscious) about paying attention to what I really like in a movie. Each time I've watched a film like this, I instinctively yell out at least half a dozen times: "See! I do like slow movies! I am not a Michael-Bay-watching-ADD-rube!" I don't mind a slow pace, as long as what I'm looking at is visually beautiful, and as long as I know that we are going somewhere. By all means, take your time getting there: but don't fucking take me on a road trip to nowhere (MEEK'S GODDAMN CUTTOFF). That being said... I've never watched a movie quite like this. The way the characters were revealed through small but meaningful details, the way they were racing to a destination while taking their time, the way tension was built slowly and brutally towards an inevitable and tragic end... It all just worked for me. The music, the lighting, the color, the texture, they all richly wove this quiet masterpiece together. You can definitely see the influences of Matsoukas' music video background, but to quote de Wilde: "Why shouldn't a sad movie also be beautiful?" Apparently Matsoukas received some criticism for her handling of violence in this, but I completely disagree. When you're discussing police brutality, it would be a disservice to the audience and the story if it were anything less than brutal. That being said, there is a world of difference between the gratuitous depiction of brown and black bodies being victimized (something Katheryn Bigelow's Detroit was condemned for; you'll notice she is nowhere near my fucking bracket) and meticulously crafting a story that includes violence as a narrative thread but does not condone, glorify, redeem, or sensationalize it. Matsoukas does not negotiate with violence, nor does she deny where it comes from. It was smart (and ballsy) for Waithe to write a story in which a black man uses violence as self-defense against a white cop, and then also include: a black cop who helps them out, a white veteran who tries to help despite his wife's resistance, a black cop who gets shot, and a black man who sells them out. Make no mistake, this was not a socially defensive tactic - there is not one fucking echo of "Not All Cops" or "All Lives Matter" here (nor should there fucking be). Waithe is an emotionally intelligent and intensely passionate writer who fully bears the burden of how multi-layered an issue this is. But at the same time, the "issue" isn't that complicated at all: if a white couple had been pulled over by that cop, there wouldn't be a movie at all. That truth remains constant, and burns long after the movie is done. And the winner is...These just keep getting harder and weirder. How do I compare a ring pop with a pack of cigarettes? A hyena with a turquoise Catalina? Two broken legs with a shot in the heart? Roger Ebert can't help me here, because I already know full well that both of these films accomplished EXACTLY what each of them set out to do. In that respects, they are equals. ...But in every other category that matters, Queen & Slim was an unparalleled masterpiece. This one will stick with me for a long, long time.    Holy shit, only 8 more movies left!!!!!!!!!!!!
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 FIRST OF ALL: I just have to say that I am A HILARIOUS GENIUS for pairing these two movies together because they're actually both incredibly similar and serve as iconic time capsules for their respective eras. They both have a LOT going for them, so this is going to be another really hard (and sad) bracket to break down. WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF? A League of Their Own (1992)Directed by: Penny Marshall Written by: Kim Wilson, Kelly Candaele, Lowell Ganz, Babaloo Mandel Starring: Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Lori Petty, Madonna, Rosie O'Donnell IMDB Synopsis: Two sisters join the first female professional baseball league and struggle to help it succeed amidst their own growing rivalry. Penny Marshall..."I have a strange combination of fearlessness and massive insecurity."
So I don't even know how this is possible, but I have SOMEHOW NEVER SEEN THIS MOVIE?! It was SO good! I don't even know where to begin! Just kidding, I do: 1) LORI FUCKING PETTY!!!!!!!!! If you know anything about me at all, it should be that I FUCKING LOVE TANK GIRL. So yeah, I lost my shit when I found out she was the HEART AND SOUL OF THIS MOVIE. I get why they had to put Geena Davis and Madonna on the poster, but come on! It's Tank Girl!!!!
2) Rosie O'Donnell and Madonna being HILARIOUS!!! And surprisingly sex-positive for '92??
3) ...Like that moment when Madonna goes to church and blows the priest's goddamn mind! 😂
4) Geena Davis being a straight up BDE BABE, including her palpable sexual tension with Tom Hanks (which I wanted more of! Leave Bill Pullman! Play baseball forever! Marry your drunk coach! Wow I'm projecting here!)
5) DRUNK TOM HANKS!??!?! HAHAHA!!! Why has he never played a character like this again??? He is SO GOOD AT IT!!! I know I'm supposed to be focusing on the ladies and feminism of it all, but TOM HANKS STOLE MY HEART AND THE SHOW.   This movie was truly very well made. It managed to utilize all of the expected and familiar sports movie tropes, while still managing to feel fresh, funny, and relevant (even now!). It occasionally drifted into the territory of early-90s over fraught sentimentality, but it's hard not to when you're making a movie about a real event and those events happen to be sentimental. I loved that each of the women - even the more minor characters - were fully formed and believable and lovable; they were feminine and awkward and promiscuous and loud and brash and they felt like real women. And yeah, I loved that the little sister got to win (BECAUSE YOU NEVER SEE THAT! Can you tell I'm a little sister?). Hustlers (2019)Written & Directed by: Lorene Scafaria Starring: Constance Wu, Jennifer Lopez, Keke Palmer, Lili Reinhart IMDB Synopsis: Inspired by the viral New York Magazine article, Hustlers follows a crew of savvy former strip club employees who band together to turn the tables on their Wall Street clients. Lorene Scarafia..."That was part of the beauty of making this movie. I was excited to look at these women close up — from the neck up — and in ways that maybe we aren’t used to looking at them."
If I had one complaint, it would be with some of the writing. There were a few lines that were just a little too contrived, and the relationship between Constance Wu and the journalist (Julia Stiles) became a little awkward as the plot moved forward. Wu keeps interrupting herself to say things like, "I shouldn't even be telling you this! You're going to perpetuate the stigma that strippers face every day! I'm not gonna say one more thing." Then Stiles would blink and Wu would be like "You're right never mind where was I..." I get that the whole plot was centered around Wu's flashbacks while she was reiterating them to the journalist and therefore had no choice but to keep talking to her/ the audience, but methinks the lady doth protest too much. Scarafia kind of wrote herself into a corner on that one. But besides that? This movie hit a lot of key points. Scarafia managed to create the Big Dick Energy of vintage Scorcese at his best, with the fur coats and the diamonds and the hookers and the blow - but this time it's from the hooker's point of view.   I was paying very close attention, and I believe there is only one moment where you ever see just a close-up part of a woman's body onscreen. Scarafia was meticulous when it came to training the audience's eye: you never forgot that these bodies were attached to faces, that these women were people too. Unlike every salacious music video I ever saw growing up in the 90's, it was impossible to objectify these characters as mere disembodied parts.
Also... JENNIFER FREAKING LOPEZ IS FIFTY AMERICAN YEARS OLD and her pole-dancing scenes (there are exactly 2 of them) must not be undermined as simple eye candy or gratuitous T & A: they are remarkable, astounding, Olympic feats of strength and grace. Is it sexy? Of course it fucking is, it's a pole dance routine! It's supposed to be. But this is the Anti-Slut-Shame Movie of the Year, and you never forget who's in charge. Her body, her choice, y'all: And the winner is...I'll tell you what, these sure aren't getting any easier. A League of Their Own is a timeless classic and it is so, so good. And Hustlers might not stand the test of time as an iconic movie I want to show my nieces someday, but it started a conversation about The Female Gaze (and contributed to the vital one about sex-positivity) that I think we will begin to see more and more of as long as we keep putting women behind the camera. Marshall paved the way for it, and filmmakers like Scarafia will just keep taking it further and making it bigger.     In retrospect, it would've made more sense for this to be a challenge between Lady Bird and Booksmart (a Beanie Feldstein double feature, hell yeah!). But I've seen Lady Bird at least 4 times and I HADN'T EVEN SEEN THE NEW LITTLE WOMEN yet, so it had to be this way. That being said, prepare to be shook... Little Women (2019)Directed by: Greta Gerwig Written by: Greta Gerwig Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Emma Watson, Florence Pugh, Eliza Scanlen, Laura Dern, Timothée Chalamet IMDB Synopsis: Jo March reflects back and forth on her life, telling the beloved story of the March sisters - four young women, each determined to live life on her own terms. Greta Gerwig..."I've never had a plan. I've always done things from instinct."
Before I can talk about Gerwig's Little Women, it is paramount that I adequately express how critically fundamental this story was to my upbringing: I am the youngest of three daughters. I grew up obsessively watching The Original (I know there are a dozen versions, but this is how I will refer to the 1994 one starring Winona Ryder). Jo March invented the iconic "Tomboy Writer" that I spent the rest of my adolescence trying to emulate, and she was my goddamn hero. I cannot emphasize this enough. To be honest, I really put off watching this one because 1) I really like Gerwig, and 2) The Original holds such a dear and significant place in my heart that I was extremely reticent to believe any reiteration could possibly hold so much as a candle to it. Please observe Exhibit A: Is that Baby Sarah playing Jo March in the high school play??? OH YOU KNOW IT IS.
So prepare the tar and feather, folks, because I'm sorry to say I was right. Gerwig's might've been better than my sophomore debut, but it did not succeed my expectations. NOW LET ME EXPLAIN: This was ALWAYS going to be a battle of Gerwig vs. The Original. So let's break it down as such. What Worked For Me:1) Emma Watson as Meg: I'll tell you what, I had to look up who even played Original Meg (it's Trini Alverado?) because except for the iconic hair-curl incident (SO glad they kept that) I don't remember her at all. Watson was, as always, fresh and bold and interesting. She was more than just the example of domesticity, she was a woman who consciously chose "love in a cottage," as Aunt March puts it, instead of the simpler (and safer) choice of marrying for money (and what a great foil this is for the other sisters). I love that Gerwig chose to show us how this was not always easy for Meg - she still struggles with wanting more - but that those struggles come with a desire that is more pure and more complicated than just immature vanity. And despite how hard it is at times, she is still ultimately glad with her choice. I was actually reminded of Julia Stiles in Mona Lisa Smile, when Julia Roberts confronts her that being barefoot and pregnant isn't the "feminist" choice: "Isn't that kind of the point of feminism, though? That the woman gets to choose what she wants? Because this is what I want."
2) Beth! God bless Baby Claire Danes, but Gerwig did succeed in actually giving Beth a personality (albeit a exhaustively precious one. Why is she playing with dolls when she's like 16??). She was more than a cardboard cutout, even if it was only in her significance to other characters. Hardly a Bechdel success, but then again I've never been the biggest Claire Danes fan (I know, I know, we can tar and feather me for that later. Sorry, but chin wobbling is not an emotion!) And after watching Eliza Scanlen in the Sharp Objects adaptation, I am excited to see where this little firey one goes.
3) Amy, Amy, Amy. This one is kind of a tie, because NO ONE can compete with Baby Kirsten Dunst setting fire to Jo's book. And I'm sorry, but WHERE was the clothespin on the nose, Greta?? Where was it??
That being said... I simply cannot get enough of Florence Pugh. I could watch her lick envelopes and be on the edge of my seat. She is unique and fascinating and I am obsessed with her round face and husky voice and regal composure and captivating, never-ending inner monologue. I actually didn't mind that Gerwig chose to make them all teenagers much closer in age in the "past" scenes - it certainly made the Amy/Laurie romance later on significantly less awkward, abrupt, and off-putting than the '94 version - but I wish Pugh (who was 23 during filming) had played her like more of a 15 year old instead of a 12 year old. For that reason, Baby Amy award goes to Kirsten, but Pugh blows Dunst out of the goddamn water with her take on Adult Amy. I enjoyed how Gerwig played Amy and Jo off each other - both constantly thinking the other has it better - and their competition was perfectly layered with the genuine affection and jealousy that real sisters share. And my god, Pugh earned that Oscar nom with every syllable of that two-sentence speech on marriage and economics. 4) Now a name that might not be as familiar to you but definitely should be... Jacqueline Durran. She was the Oscar-winning Costume Designer, and you might recognize her other work from such films as Atonement, Pride & Prejudice (2005), Anna Karenina, & Beauty and the Beast (to be clear, I don't think being nominated for or winning an Oscar is the end-all be-all pinnacle of success... but it's hardly the worst indication of exceptional talent either). Period costumes can be tough. They are little works of art, and it takes a delicate nuance to make them feel realistic and lived-in; beautiful, but not distracting. These costumes were orchestrated to look like real outfits, and Durran succeeded in making the actors actually look comfortable in them. They didn't sit on their bodies like high-end couture or ill-fitting community theatre hoop skirts; they looked natural AND beautiful, which is one of MY FAVORITE COMBINATION OF THINGS. (Also of note: the delicate and fresh score by Alexandre Desplat).
5) Finally, the aesthetics in general were gorgeous. From the costumes to the music to the cinematography (Yorick Le Saux), this film was undeniably beautiful. Along that note, the way in which Gerwig and Le Saux worked together to capture the sheer frenzy that exists in a house full of girls was so spot on. The constant chatter, the whirl of clothes and costumes, the bickering, the wrestling, the giggling, the warmth; it was familiar and beautiful and straight up Gilmorian in the best way possible.
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2) Again, I know this shouldn't be a direct compare/contrast with the 1994 "Original," but Timothee Chalamet was NOT the obvious choice as Laurie for me. To be sure, there are parts of Laurie's character that Chalamet totally nailed: he has the wherewithal to be a selfish, lazy, ridiculous fop. But that's not ALL Laurie is! He's also kind and lonely and bored and restless and aggressive and spunky. He should be able to keep up with Jo. Some might argue that Chalamet did all those things (this one really just comes down to personal taste) but I feel like all he did was amplify Laurie's worst qualities and highlight none of his redeeming ones. His essence is all wrong. He's too delicate. For god's sake, the kid doesn't look old enough to babysit. He's 12 years old and weighs about 7 pounds and 8 ounces. He is a baby. Laurie is supposed to be a man. A hotheaded man-child, sure, but not a delicate porcelain man-baby.
You know would've made a great Laurie? Either Josh Hutcherson or Tom Holland would've made a lot more sense to me. I would also accept Justin Chatwin or Nicholas Hoult. Like, someone pretty, but not prettier than Ronan. And he has to look old enough to drive a car, for Christ's sake.
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3) Let's get one thing straight: I adore Saoirse Ronan. I do. And on the surface, this casting made perfect sense. Of course Gerwig would cast her, of course she would play Jo. I'm still trying to pinpoint exactly what my grievances are. It's not that she wasn't good - she's always "good" - but there was something about her interpretation that just never quite settled into place for me. Even without the comparison to Winona.
Again, I am super disappointed that I feel this way. I was so excited to see Gerwig nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay after her Directing snub (as I am always glad to see women nominated in fields I aspire to), but after having watched it... I'm sorry to say that I get it. I think this excerpt from a really great article on the movie nails part of it:
"Gerwig is one of the most original actors of her time; now she’s directing movies that evoke her own experience, but she doesn’t have actors similar to herself to portray characters who are like herself. Ronan displays, in both movies, conspicuous skill and admirable precision—but not the spontaneity, the creative imagination, the impulsivity that Gerwig herself displays onscreen. Ronan becomes a vessel for characters endowed with Gerwig’s creative fire, but not for the fire itself. (It’s unclear whether this is due to the nature of her own art or to its interface with Gerwig’s direction.) As a result, Ronan is not a powerful presence as Jo March: the character, famous for her anger, for her “temper,” comes off as unduly moderate, both inwardly and outwardly—not in conflict with herself, not repressing that rage, but merely claiming one that’s hardly in danger of bursting forth."
- The Compromises of Greta Gerwig's "Little Women" by Richard Brody, The NY Times
I am so anxious to vocalize my feelings about this because I know that at least amongst my peers, I am in a minority. After a lot of reflection and analysis, I have a two-part theory about why Ronan and the movie as a whole just didn't vibe for me.
First... How many really true distinctions can you name between Ronan's Jo March and Lady Bird? I seriously wracked my mind and all I could come up with was that Lady Bird was a little sassier and a lot hornier. But besides those two qualities (and their outfits) THEY WERE PRETTY SIMILAR CHARACTERS. And that's a bummer. Ronan can do that better that, so I have to chalk this up to a directorial blunder.
First... How many really true distinctions can you name between Ronan's Jo March and Lady Bird? I seriously wracked my mind and all I could come up with was that Lady Bird was a little sassier and a lot hornier. But besides those two qualities (and their outfits) THEY WERE PRETTY SIMILAR CHARACTERS. And that's a bummer. Ronan can do that better that, so I have to chalk this up to a directorial blunder.
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And Two... The most general grievance I take with this version comes down to the script. I watched it with my partner who has never seen any iteration of the story, and they were SO CONFUSED. I had to keep pausing to explain the jumping back and forth, and to be honest it even tripped me up once or twice. This is Little Women not Lost, people. She chopped up the script until it was barely legible, and unless you were REALLY familiar with the story (or just incredibly talented at observing changing hairstyles) it was confusing to follow. There was nothing in the splicing of the timelines that seemed to actually serve the story, except that it set it apart from any other version of the movie. That's not a good enough reason to do it. Even that one great shot with Marmee at the table juxtaposing when Beth was sick the first time and when Beth was sick the last time (you know the one), I couldn't help feeling that that moment would've been significantly more powerful if it had been spread out.
There was something more subtle, more brash about Ronan's Jo that I didn't hate... what sticks in my mind the strongest is a moment with Marmee when she confesses that even though she doesn't want to marry and she wants to be a self-sufficient, self-made, independent woman, she is so, so lonely. I get that. I really fucking get that. That moment is exactly why the character of Jo March is so close and personal to me. It really sucks feeling exhausted by your own passions because there is no one there to support you in them. I loved her frizzy hair and her tired eyes and the way she moves her hands and her nose gets ugly and red - I love it so much that it makes me angry, because that means Ronan is capable of that and has just been sitting on that the whole time. Where was that when Amy burned her book? Where was that when she turned Laurie down? I wanted more of Lonely Jo, more of Vulnerable Jo. There is a natural reservation to Ronan that I think Gerwig imagines she can circumvent by the sheer existence of Ronan's piercing blue eyes. But just like Claire Danes' wobbly chin, it registers onscreen as a simmer - I want the fucking fire, and I know it's in there. (So, in all fairness to that NY Times quote, I actually speculate that maybe it's not Ronan who isn't living up to Gerwig, maybe it's Gerwig holding back Ronan.)
Ultimately, I really think Gerwig just wanted to make a mini-series about Louisa May Alcott, and I so wish she had! There was NO REASON for this to be 2+ hours long (and this isn't an attention span thing, because my favorite films of 2019 were Parasite and Portrait of a Lady on Fire, and those both clock in over the 2 hour mark). Gerwig's vision did not seem to fit into the feature format, and I wish she hadn't tried to squeeze it all in. I felt like I was looking at a beautiful scrapbook but the all the pages were out of order. Like the pieces were all there, but they just didn't quite fit right. There is plenty of interest and prestige in mini-series now, so surely that could've been done.
And did we really need it to be just another new version of an old classic? I would've LOVED to see a Ronan-starring drama about Louisa May Alcott's real life, interspersed and parodied against the fictionalized version of Little Women (also how Atonement-y would that have been?!). And I know this would've worked, because in the last 20 minutes or so they seem to kind of try and do that? There's that whole bit with the publisher kind of winking at the camera (fantastic little cameo by Tracy Letts) and saying that "her character" should chase after The Boy and we could call it "Under the Umbrella" and Ronan is like "But that didn't happen." Was she actually being Jo March in that moment? Or was she being Louisa May Alcott?? Unclear.
Regardless, this should've been a mini-series about LMA's life and you CAN'T CHANGE MY MIND. Also in my version she's gay. Okay, bye!
 | "I am more than half-persuaded that I am a man's soul put by some freak of nature into a woman's body... Because I have fallen in love with so many pretty girls and never once the least bit with any man.” |
4) OH MY GOD WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT I LITERALLY FORGOT MY #1 SINGLE BIGGEST MOST UNFORGIVABLE ISSUE WITH THIS MOVIE HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
I LITERALLY SPAT OUT MY WINE, STOOD UP, AND SCREAMED:
"BETTER CALL SAUL, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!"
I'm sorry, but the second he came on the screen I gave up on this whole movie. There was absolutely ZERO reason for Bob Odenkirk to be in this movie. He is balls deep in Better Call Saul right now and that is the ONLY thing audiences are going to think of him as right now. Why on EARTH would you pick him?!?!?!? Surely there was A SINGLE LIVING MIDDLE AGED MAN in Hollywood willing to sport some sideburns for TWO AND A HALF SCENES????? He's literally barely even in it, WHY would you cast such an INSTANTLY recognizable face, and one who's automatic association is to "SLEAZY LAWYER"?!?!??!? GERWIG????? WHO CANCELLED ON YOU AT THE LAST MINUTE???? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????? I will never forgive her for this.
Booksmart (2019)
Directed by: Olivia Wilde
Written by: Emily Halpern, Sarah Haskins, Susanna Fogel & Katie Silberman
Starring: Kaitlyn Dever & Beanie Feldstein
IMDB Synopsis: On the eve of their high school graduation, two academic superstars and best friends realize they should have worked less and played more. Determined not to fall short of their peers, the girls try to cram four years of fun into one night.
Written by: Emily Halpern, Sarah Haskins, Susanna Fogel & Katie Silberman
Starring: Kaitlyn Dever & Beanie Feldstein
IMDB Synopsis: On the eve of their high school graduation, two academic superstars and best friends realize they should have worked less and played more. Determined not to fall short of their peers, the girls try to cram four years of fun into one night.
Olivia Wilde...
"It's really hard to get stories made that are about women. Not just women being obsessed with men, or supporting men. And it's really hard to get men to be a part of films that are about women in a leading role. I'm really interested in how we can adjust that."
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I actually watched Booksmart for the first time not that long ago, and I remember thinking it was funny, fresh, but ultimately a little clunky and clumsy - a perfectly adequate accomplishment for a first time director, but I couldn't imagine garnering anything new in the re-watch. Boy was I wrong! It's actually somehow even BETTER the second time around. I know I just wrote an entire novel about Little Women so I'll try to keep this one brief...
FOR STARTERS: The minor characters in this were so fucking hilarious and original and absurd and endearing. It's a challenge to write about high school in a way that's relevant to people of all ages without being derivative (and there are so many high school movies to copy from), but between the writers' meticulous balance of caustic and tender, and Wilde's truly incredible instincts, these people were believable and lovable and familiar and NEW all at the same time.
 Victoria Ruesga as the cool, sexually ambiguous heartthrob: "I don't even know if she likes girls." "Cmon, she wore a polo shirt to prom."  Mason Gooding as the hot jock Veep, who somehow manages to be a fuckboi AND respectful (and a Harry Potter fan?!)  BILLIE GODDAMN LOURD, daughter of Carrie Fisher, giving us ICONIC, effortlessly weird, and ingenious comedic timing as the stupid-rich druggie |  Skyler Gisondo as the preciously desperate white gangsta who's secret dream is to design celebrity airplanes and then use the money to fund new musicals?! Lol! "Enough with the revivals already, I just think audiences deserve something new, you know?"  Jason Sudeikis as the hilariously no-fucks-given Principal / Lyft Driver  Jessica Williams as the sexy and hip Miss Fine (lol) |  Molly Gordon as "Triple A," the slut going to Yale, known for her "roadside assistance"  Eduardo Franco as the near drop-out stoner who's skipping college to go code for Google. "I mean it's not Apple, but the salary starts at mid-six figures, so I guess that's chill."  Diana Silvers as the hot, mean, & aloof girl with the sexiest fringe coat I have ever seen in my life |
 And of course our HEROINES: Beanie Feldstein as Molly, the Yale-bound 40 yr old in a high school senior's body, dreaming of being the youngest SCJ... |  ...And Kaitlyn Dever as Amy, the awkward, introverted lesbian who's taking a gap year to teach women in Botswana how to make tampons. |
...And a small moment of appreciation for the WRITERS, a team of FOUR INCREDIBLE WOMEN who not only wrote some of the funniest one-liners, but also managed to make these characters sound like real high-schoolers: awkward, nervous, crass, frustrated, and every other emotion that comes to the surface the night before graduation. The way they managed to capture how HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS actually talk to each other reminded me so much of being that age in an authentic and nostalgic and heartwarming way. This wasn't an after school special but it wasn't American Pie, either.
I remember being so disappointed by Bridesmaids because I had such high expectations for it to prove that Women Can Be Funny, but instead it felt like they were trying to hard to prove it they stooped to the boy's level and I was forced to watch 90 minutes of dick and fart jokes. Which there is a time a place for, but surely women can find other ways to be funny - not because they're women, but because there are funnier things to write about.
What I loved the most about the writing in this is how goddamn well-paced it was. To be sure, some of the jokes didn't quite land, but overall the plot was excellent: they set up all these quirky, bizarre characters early on, and then like a well-timed road trip movie they knock down each domino one by one. People show up at a time and place that makes sense and in a way that still managed to occasionally surprise me.
There were SO MANY GOOD MOMENTS in this movie, and they all deserve a moment of recognition. I will do my best to be brief and just give a Top 10 highlights reel:
1) The way these girls aggressively verbally assault each other with compliments and impromptu dance parties:
2) The outrageous last-day-of-school party in the hallway, and the way Wilde used it in the credits:
3) BILLIE LOURD in EVERY ridiculous moment she shows up:
4) The lighting in the Principal's Lyft and their post-pizza-hold-up (really all of the lighting was just excellent):
5) The INSANELY over-the-top DANCE SEQUENCE through that deliciously technicolor 1970's dreamscape house (and that fucking HOUSE OMG!!):
6) That heartbreaking, slow-motion, underwater ballet that made you go Romeo + Juliet who? And set to the gorgeous backdrop of "Slip Away" by Perfume Genius... It was perfection. (As was the entire soundtrack, as a matter of fact, and if you give a shit about iconic movie soundtracks the way I do, check this one out IMMEDIATELY.)
7) The INCREDIBLE tripping-balls scene?!?!? Oh my god?!?!?! Olivia Wilde!!!!! Who even gave you permission???? To make this scene so fucking bizarre and funny and WORK!?!??!?!? SO GOOD!!!!
8) The way Molly & Amy's fight went into MOS (no sound). I fucking loved that choice. Because that's the thing about fights with your best friend in high school: the words don't really matter.
9) The excellently absurd graduation scene:
10) The final line. I don't know why I loved that so much... probably because it captured the whole essence of the film: dramatic and emotional, interrupted by the hilarious and ridiculous. It was so genuine and surprising and remains one of my favorite subtler endings of a film in this genre.
11) OMG I'M SORRY THIS IS A BONUS ONE BUT the Panda-packing moment with Lisa Kudrow and Will Forte (genius cameos btw) where you can LITERALLY ALMOST SEE BEANIE FELDSTEIN BREAK CHARACTER is one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
And the winner is...
This was NOT an easy choice to make. But when it comes to making difficult decisions like this on razor sharp margins, I refer to Our Patron Saint of Film Criticism, Roger Ebert:
"The star ratings are relative, not absolute. If a director is clearly trying to make a particular kind of movie, and his [OR HER!] audiences are looking for a particular kind of movie, part of my job is judging how close he came to achieving his purpose."
This may come as a shock to some, but Juno is probably in my Top 10 (on the more sentimental side, but still). I watched it in theaters (with my mom! Instead of going to prom! I was SO COOL!) and it blew my mind. I'd never seen a movie adequately capture a girl like me: smart but not a total loser, sexually curious but terrified of the human body; I was a tomboy who wanted to be taken seriously, who has historically just had one close friend at a time (if I even had that). I had a very weird and traumatic high school experience (I mean, who didn't) so there will always be something about this genre that I can't help but be drawn to... watching movies like Booksmart make me feel like I get to relive some of those years with a happier ending. I only bring up Juno because to me, that is the end-all-be-all of Excellent Movies In That Genre. Was Booksmart as good as Juno? No, probably not. It was a different animal (the R rating changes so much), but it was successful at what it set out to do.
And that's what this is gonna come down to: Olivia Wilde set out to make a clever, fresh, funny story about a super intense nerd and her awkward queer friend (don't know who I identified with more). Greta Gerwig said she set out to reinvent a classic with a feminist twist, but I think what she really wanted to make was a mini-series about Louisa May Alcott.
IN A SHOCKING TURN OF EVENTS... I cannot be deterred from my belief that only one of these directors successfully accomplished what they set out to do. Gerwig, if you can ever forgive me, please let me know when you make that mini-series because I will be the first in line to see it.
I too am shooketh.
This is going to be a totally brutal battle of ~lewks~ and I am NOT READY TO MAKE A DECISION! You will notice that I am including a shout out to the Production & Costume Designers of each film because these films are 90% AESTHETIC and these masterminds must be recognized!
Emma (2020)
Directed by: Autumn de Wilde
Written by: Eleanor Catton
Starring: Anya Taylor-Joy, Johnny Flynn, Mia Goth, Bill Nighy
Production Designer: Kave Quinn (Trainspotting, The Woman in Black)
Costume Designer: Alexandra Byrne (Elizabeth, Mary Queen of Scots)
IMDB Synopsis: In 1800s England, a well meaning but selfish young woman meddles in the love lives of her friends.
Written by: Eleanor Catton
Starring: Anya Taylor-Joy, Johnny Flynn, Mia Goth, Bill Nighy
Production Designer: Kave Quinn (Trainspotting, The Woman in Black)
Costume Designer: Alexandra Byrne (Elizabeth, Mary Queen of Scots)
IMDB Synopsis: In 1800s England, a well meaning but selfish young woman meddles in the love lives of her friends.
Autumn de Wilde...
"When her arthritis got so bad that she needed a cane, Autumn de Wilde didn’t just pick one up at the pharmacy. She went to a 19th century Victorian umbrella shop in London and told the shopkeeper: “I need your weirdest cane.”
“Check this out,” she said, unscrewing the top of the French walking stick, supposedly modeled after one once owned by Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec. Inside was a thin vial containing Japanese whiskey, bookended by a couple of shot glasses. “These need a little wash, because we’ve partaken recently. It actually only holds a shot, which is so disappointing. I thought it was so much more when I bought it.”
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The idea of following standard protocol is anathema to De Wilde. Every day, she dresses in a uniform — some version of a suit with a broad-brimmed felt hat. (She says her style is a mix of Paddington Bear and Oscar Wilde.)"
- Amy Kaufman, The LA Times
This movie was so exceptionally gorgeous, I spent every other minute pausing it to weep. I'm barely exaggerating. Every frame was like a sucker punch to my deepest aesthetic dreams, except the punch was soft and ice-cream colored and somehow smelled good? de Wilde's sense of beauty was so carefully executed it almost hurt to look at - every single frame was a post card, a painting, a wink, a treat.
I honestly don't know which was more delicious, these rose & mint-chocolate chip interiors...
I honestly don't know which was more delicious, these rose & mint-chocolate chip interiors...
Or these impossibly sexy, technicolor pastel exteriors...
Also, sorry/not sorry, but every single time I see realistic lighting executed appropriately in a film from now on, I am compelled to scream out MEEK'S CUTOFF! Because I still haven't forgiven Kelly Reichardt for making me watch half of that movie in the pitch fucking dark. IT IS POSSIBLE TO HAVE PERIOD-APPROPRIATE LIGHTING AND ALSO STILL LIGHT YOUR ACTORS AND ALSO EVEN BE FLATTERING thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
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“One of the things I was most struck by that seemed very intimately her is her female gaze on men and romance. When you look back through at the men she has photographed, she’s not afraid to take in what’s beautiful about a man’s body — this is how he’s childlike but also tough.... I just think it’s interesting in this moment, when you wonder what have we been missing — it’s a different way to see men. Of course we’ve missed women’s voices and stories, but men have missed out on a certain kind of tenderness that someone like Autumn can give. It’s interesting to think there may be some healing in that.” - Miranda July
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While I agree with July's assessment, I have a bone to pick with Jane Austen: unpopular opinion, I know, but Mr. Knightley is a dick?? When he finally comes to make his declaration of love to Emma, we get one of the GREATEST lines Austen ever wrote:
"I cannot make speeches, Emma...If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more..."
And then follows it up with one of the WORST lines Austen ever wrote!!!
"...But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other woman in England would have borne it."
So, essentially, Mr. Knightley realizes he loves Emma because he's been a huge DICK to her and she's been a real CHAMP about it? Ew! He may as well have come up to her on the playground and said, "Hey I know I keep kicking you and throwing sand on your head, but you've been really cool about it, wanna be my girlfriend?" Being "rich" or "resilient" isn't a justification for cruelty, you're just too lazy to articulate your witticisms in a kinder way. Get the fuck outta here, Knightley.
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If I had a SINGLE criticism (besides Knightley), it would be those goddamn Handmaids... throughout the film, there is a visual thread of these dozen or so schoolgirls that traipse through the town walking all in a line, like a whimsical marriage of Madeline and the track team from Juno. It's cute, it's quirky, but there is no denying that they look straight out of Gilead.
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I fortunately discovered this thread on Instagram that explains her choice contextually:
"These coats were very popular in the Regency period for young women to wear (mostly in the country) during the colder months in England. They were out of style by the 1830’s. The following images are the illustrations of Diana Sperling (1791-1862) whose whimsical illustrations of girls out walking in these coats was a great inspiration to the design of their look." - Autumn de Wilde's Instagram
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...But I still can't help thinking that given the rest of the incredible, ice-cream shoppe hues in the film, de Wilde easily could've gotten away with making these robes either more plum or more raspberry. How cute would a dozen ladies in dark fuschia robes have been?? I get where the inspiration came from, but I'm afraid we live in a post Handmaids Tale era now and there are some looks that get claimed by something and can't ever, ever be duplicated without the audience automatically thinking of the original. I love Lady Gaga to death, but the pointy bra belongs to exactly one artist and it ain't her.
Clueless (1995)
Directed by: Amy Heckerling
Written by: Amy Heckerling
Starring: Alicia Silverstone, Stacey Dash, Brittany Murphy, Paul Rudd
Production Designer: Steven J. Jordan (A Night at the Roxbury, Never Been Kissed)
Costume Designer: Mona May (The Wedding Singer, Zenon: The Zequel)
IMDB Synopsis: A rich high school student tries to boost a new pupil's popularity, but reckons without affairs of the heart getting in the way.
Written by: Amy Heckerling
Starring: Alicia Silverstone, Stacey Dash, Brittany Murphy, Paul Rudd
Production Designer: Steven J. Jordan (A Night at the Roxbury, Never Been Kissed)
Costume Designer: Mona May (The Wedding Singer, Zenon: The Zequel)
IMDB Synopsis: A rich high school student tries to boost a new pupil's popularity, but reckons without affairs of the heart getting in the way.
Amy Heckerling...
"I just wanted to do something about the teenage experience; it's such a wonderful and horrible time of life."
 ...There's something about women directors and hats, right? |  Alicia Silverstone & Amy Heckerling |
Before I can even ATTEMPT to talk about ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES AS A YOUTH, please let your gentle eyeballs kindly absorb the delicate absurdity, the outrageous decadence, the pinnacle of camp itself (!) of these totally bonkers 1990's outfits...
Things I LOVE about this movie (besides the iconic fashion) :
- Cher is a virgin and proud of it? This was a ballsy move for a teen film in the 90s. It was incredibly sex-positive while also avoiding prude-shaming. She wasn't a virgin because of any religious or misguided purity-obsessed reasons, she was a virgin because she was PICKY. That was groundbreaking.
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- Baby Brittany Murphy!!!! 😭😭 Besides being a wildly underrated talent whose life went tragically awry, I always forget how goddamn pure she was. In fact, there's a lot of wholesome, genuine purity in this movie. I think it was on the Vulture TV Podcast that I heard a writer say, "there's nothing more endearing than ridiculous characters who have no idea how ridiculous they are." And this is a whole movie full of them.
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- PAUL GODDAMN RUDD!!! This movie is responsible for making Millennial women turn this silly, adorable man into a sex icon. And you know what? He's never shitty to Cher. I forgot what an asshole Mr. Knightley is to Emma in the original, and I'm not into it. Paul Rudd manages to call Cher on her bullshit in a way that doesn't degrade or humiliate her, while also encouraging the good parts he sees in her. Now that's hot.
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- Stacy Dash!! I love the fact that Cher has a black best friend who is every bit as rich, popular, and ridiculous as she is. She is never tokenized (except maybe with a hat or two...) and her blackness is not her only character trait. For 1995, that was a fairly new accomplishment.
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I remember watching this movie as a kid and it blowing my mind in a way that it wouldn't be shocked again until I discovered Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It was so rare to me to find an example of girly femininity that was also coupled with spunk, resourcefulness, and (in her own way) scrappy intelligence. She was flawed, quirky, strong, bold, and just happened to like dressing like a Beverly Hills Barbie. Cher was no damsel in distress, and she wasn't a Disney Princess either. She was a whole new thing, and I fucking loved that.
And the winner is...
Clueless will always hold a special place in my heart, but there is no denying the utter deliciousness that was de Wilde's Emma. The way she captures her women, her men, her textures and color and beauty and ugliness... her hands were all over that film and they were careful and reckless and bold and perfect, and I wanted to eat up every moment of it.
“De Wilde, however, views “Emma” as an offering of levity during a period of political unrest that makes us feel “like we’re all being bullied.” And she takes issue with those who view films with ornate scenery — like those of Wes Anderson, one of her creative inspirations — as pure fluff.
"I mean, have people seen ‘Moonlight’? There’s so much color in that movie, and it’s genius. It’s a strange idea that movies about pain and struggle should have color removed from them,” she said. “I don’t know why it’s been assigned to extravagance. I don’t walk into a pastry shop in Paris and go, ‘Why are all these colors here?’ I go, ‘That’s delicious, and I want to eat it.’ How it looks is part of the story.”
- Amy Kaufman, The LA Times
Well hot damn, this bracket did NOT go the way I expected it to! These films were a welcome moment of levity after last week's duo, but I went into this one thinking I had it all figured out and OH BOY WAS I INCORRECT.
Sleepless in Seattle (1993)
Directed by: Nora Ephron
Written by: Nora Ephron, Jeff Arch, David S. Ward
Starring: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Ross Malinger, Rosie O'Donnell
IMDB Synopsis: A recently widowed man's son calls a radio talk-show in an attempt to find his father a partner.
Written by: Nora Ephron, Jeff Arch, David S. Ward
Starring: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, Ross Malinger, Rosie O'Donnell
IMDB Synopsis: A recently widowed man's son calls a radio talk-show in an attempt to find his father a partner.
Nora Ephron...
 | "You can never have too much butter – that is my belief. If I have a religion, that's it." - Named after the heroine in A Doll's House by Ibsen - Applied to work as a writer for Newsweek in the early 60s but wasn't allowed to because she was a WOMAN. She later filed a class action lawsuit against them for sexual discrimination (and won!) - She was nominated for Oscars for Best Original Screenplay for Silkwood, When Harry Met Sally, & Sleepless in Seattle |
I originally had When Harry Met Sally on here to represent Ephron, but changed it at the last minute because I forgot that she didn't actually direct it, Rob Reiner did! Oops. Also, my partner had NEVER SEEN Sleepless in Seattle, and I actually couldn't remember the last time I'd seen it either.
Since it came out in '93 I was anticipating for there to be some dated moments, but I legitimately forgot just how awkward some of them are... Don't get me wrong, I adore Ephron and this still remains an iconic rom-com from an era when that actually meant something. But do you guys remember the part where Meg Ryan straight up stalks Tom Hanks?? Because I totally forgot about that!! For how often I say "if a woman did that, you wouldn't be okay with it!" it's only fair that I play that game both ways... If Tom Hanks got on a plane and flew across the country to stalk Meg Ryan because he heard her on a radio and thought she might be the love of his life, this would be a Very Different Movie. But because it was a lady doing the stalking - and not just any lady, but the befuddled and adorable messy package that is Meg Ryan at her peak - we allow it.
(Sidebar, how come Hugh Grant and Meg Ryan were never in a rom-com together? We could've called it Befuddled! I can see the poster now!)
 |  Don't be suspicious, don't be suspicious... |
Other fun observations:
1) Why the HELL wasn't this a movie about Meg Ryan and Rosie O'Donnell realizing that Men Are Trash and becoming an adorable lesbian couple instead?? "She likes cats, yoga, and white linen.. but she likes dogs, hiking, and flannel! How will these two sapphic opposites work things out?" Not gonna lie, I'd watch it.
2) I had to look up Ross Malinger to see where the heck he went after this movie, and you'll never guess!!! He's the voice of TJ Detweiller, from one of the most ICONIC 90's cartoons of all time: Recess! (From 1997-1998, that is. From 1998-2001 the character was voiced by Andrew Lawrence). I'm at the point of quarantining where I've reverted to watching TV shows from my childhood so I have actually re-watched Recess pretty recently, and you know what? It fucking holds up. (So does Gargoyles! If anyone's interested...)
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3) Speaking of Malinger... It is a testament to the incredible presence and shared chemistry of Ryan & Hanks that their characters are only onscreen together for about 60 seconds and yet we as an audience are riveted and rooting for them. That being said, I think we can all agree that the real scene-stealing duo (besides Ryan & O'Donnell as the Lesbians Who Almost Were!) is Hanks & Malinger. Genuinely fantastic child acting, including a very fun cameo from Baby Gaby Hoffmann.
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4) Speaking of cameos, did anyone else remember that Hanks' real life wife Rita Wilson was in this?? And gives WITHOUT A DOUBT the funniest monologue of the whole movie?? Because this is literally exactly what I look when I'm performing a play-by-play of a movie no one's seen or cares about after I've had a bottle of wine. Did we know that Wilson was a great actress? Why isn't she in more things??
Overall, the writing is still a bit clunky when compared to something like When Harry Met Sally. To be honest, I was vaguely reminded of the same feelings I had when watching Cavani's work... Ephron is by no means as sexist, degrading, or brutal, but I did catch myself wondering: is Ephron making these choices because she really believes they're good ones, or because she's been conditioned to believe that they are funny and normal and what people want to watch?
For example, as funny as the above scene with Rita Wilson is, I found myself getting so irritated that the men in her life - "SUCH NICE GUYS" - were laughing and mocking her for feeling emotional about something that clearly meant a lot to her. Frankly I would've hated the entire scene if it weren't for Wilson's laugh at the end, letting us know that she's a good sport and can see the levity in the situation (and again, her hilarious fucking delivery). But like...? Ew, no? Stop mocking women for things that they are passionate about and belittling them because they are comfortable expressing "messy" emotions? Not my favorite.
The Parent Trap (1998)
Directed by: Nancy Meyers
Written by: David Swift, Nancy Meyers, & Charles Shyer (screenplay) & Erich Kästner (book)
Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Dennis Quaid, Natasha Richardson, Elaine Hendrix, Lisa Ann Walter
IMDB Synopsis: Identical twins Annie and Hallie, separated at birth and each raised by one of their biological parents, later discover each other for the first time at summer camp and make a plan to bring their wayward parents back together.
I'm sorry but before I can go on a moment longer, literally all I can think about is how Nancy Meyers is Rosa Diaz's favorite director and how goddamn hilarious that is:
Written by: David Swift, Nancy Meyers, & Charles Shyer (screenplay) & Erich Kästner (book)
Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Dennis Quaid, Natasha Richardson, Elaine Hendrix, Lisa Ann Walter
IMDB Synopsis: Identical twins Annie and Hallie, separated at birth and each raised by one of their biological parents, later discover each other for the first time at summer camp and make a plan to bring their wayward parents back together.
I'm sorry but before I can go on a moment longer, literally all I can think about is how Nancy Meyers is Rosa Diaz's favorite director and how goddamn hilarious that is:
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Nancy Meyers...
 | "We don't want to be our own niche. We're filmmakers like everybody else. How many years in a row are we going to talk about the fact that we make films and we are women? Enough already." - Got her start as a PA on The Price is Right - Her first feature, Private Benjamin, was turned down by almost every producer in Hollywood, because no one believed a film with a female lead could make money (and, let's be real, it was written by a woman too). However it became one of the biggest box office hits of 1980, grossing nearly $70 million in total, AND was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Writing, and both lead actresses earned Oscar noms as well. |
There are two things you should know before going into this:
1) This was my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE MOVIE when I was 11.
2) I have not seen this movie since I was 11.
Also, what the heck was it about the 90's and our obsession with twins? Mary-Kate & Ashley Olson (did anyone else think they were triplets named Mary, Kate, and Ashley Olson? No? Just me?), The Parent Trap, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera (did anyone else secretly fantasize that we would find out they were long-lost twin sisters? No? Just me?) Zach and Cody...? Unclear.
Now, for some observations:
1) Baby Lindsay Lohan is SO FUCKING GAY IN THIS MOVIE HAHAHA
 Yeah I bet it is ;) |  Girl on girl piggy back rides are GAY YOU CAN'T CHANGE MY MIND |
 If you called your girlfriends "babe" when you were 11 u r gay now I don't make the rules |  The very fact that this meme format exists for The Gays is proof enough |
2) JANICE FROM FRIENDS IS THEIR CAMP COUNSELOR LOL!!!
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3) Every SINGLE GIRL under the age of 15 when this movie came out tried to replicate this handshake and if she says she didn't SHE IS LYING
4) Was there a single woman in the world we collectively DESPISED more than Meredith Blake?! Also I honestly don't know what's more INSANE, that her character is supposed to be 26 years old or the fact that THE ACTRESS WAS ACTUALLY 28 WHEN THIS FILMED?!?!?!?! (Elaine Hendrix) Seriously though, I was expecting to find more slut-shamey references to her - I mean, they literally play evil saxophone Jessica Rabbit music every time she's onscreen - but then she has this excellent scene with Baby Lohan where she's like "Hey, it's not a crime to be young and beautiful" and Baby Lohan is like "Yeah you're right, it's not. But good relationships are about more than sex. And also you're just like a huge bummer." (Paraphrased)
The point is, Meyers actually makes the very important distinction that just because Meredith is sexy and evil, that does not mean that sexy = evil.
 |  Seriously, how TF did they film this?! |
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6) You can tell you're officially old when you are more sexually attracted to the real estate in a movie than any of the actual characters. BECAUSE OH MY GOD THAT NAPA VALLEY VINEYARD MANSION IS EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED. (It was filmed at the Staglin Family Vineyards and you can actually go visit it!)
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7) Baller fucking soundtrack though, eh?
8) And finally, RIP Natasha Richardson. Goddamn she was an incredible woman, actress, and icon.
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And the winner is...
OKAY SO IT OBVIOUSLY LOOKS LIKE SARAH'S ELEVEN YEAR OLD SENTIMENTALITY IS GONNA WIN THIS ONE. I AM AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE.
But also... and I know I am a MONSTER FOR SAYING THIS, but... maybe Nora Ephron is just a better writer than a director? Because of this was a contest between When Harry Met Sally and Parent Trap, I don't think Meyers would be winning. But EPHRON DIDN'T DIRECT IT, and this is Matriarch Madness after all, not Women Writer's Madness.
Sleepless was, ultimately, a little clumsy and cringey in the re-watch. I mean let's be real, it's actually just a series of vignettes and Meg Ryan monologues, and Ryan really does best when she has a good opposite to bounce off of. Parent Trap had me giggling and reminiscing and actually excited about watching the end, even though we all know what the heck is gonna happen. The "sillier" parts that are in all kids movies to make the dumbest ones laugh weren't even that bad (and hated those kinds of throwaway jokes when I was a child, too, so this isn't me being a cranky old broad. This is just me).
I really don't know what's come over me. Maybe it's the quarantine. Maybe it's the PMS. Maybe it's the fact that sometimes formulaic tropes work! (Just kidding guys. It was the fucking Napa House. That's who the real winner is. No shame.)
It's the Women vs. The Wilderness bracket this week, and it is gnarly AF. What's worse, skinning a squirrel or watching your whole family die? Cutting off the hands of your dead and Ozark-river soaked father's corpse, or stabbing a teenager to death with a 3 inch rusty blade? This is exactly why I'm such a fan of the Great Indoors.
Winter's Bone (2010)
Directed by: Debra Granik
Written by: Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini (screenplay), Daniel Woodrell (novel)
Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, John Hawkes, Garret Dillahunt
IMDB Synopsis: An unflinching Ozark Mountain girl hacks through dangerous social terrain as she hunts down her drug-dealing father while trying to keep her family intact.
Written by: Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini (screenplay), Daniel Woodrell (novel)
Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, John Hawkes, Garret Dillahunt
IMDB Synopsis: An unflinching Ozark Mountain girl hacks through dangerous social terrain as she hunts down her drug-dealing father while trying to keep her family intact.
Debra Granik...
 | “The question I’ve had for most of my life is, ‘How are you coping?’ ...Some people have these small, positive schemes for survival, a kind of strength that I am attracted to, maybe because I’m prone to the blues.” - Jewish, queer, experimental filmmaker from Boston - Her casting of Vera Farmiga in Down to the Bone and Jennifer Lawrence in Winter's Bone proved to be breakout, career-making performances for both actresses |
For a movie starring Baby J. Law in the performance that garnered her very first Oscar nom, I was really hoping I would like it more. Instead I got those familiar but unpleasant Kelly Reichardt vibes... if your movie isn't character driven and it isn't plot driven, then what's driving it? Landscape-driven stories are not a thing! Knowing how to skin a squirrel is not a substantial character trait!
To be fair, I think Winter's Bone was trying to be plot-driven, which was confusing since there were major plot holes and super important pieces of information left out until the very end that would've dramatically heightened the stakes if we'd had them sooner. I'm all for making the audience "work for it" and not just spoon-feeding details, but I spent most of this movie trying to figure out who was actually related to who and what was wrong with her mom and where the kid's school was located and if that horse ever got fed and why Thump Milton had so many shiny buttons on his vest. I get that it was supposed to be a sparse, stark atmosphere (just like the landscape, OOOOOOOH) but Jesus Christ it kind of just felt like I was watching J. Law go trick-or-treating to random meth dens and scowling at them a lot every time they told her "ye best not be pokin' around where ye ain't shouldn't be pokin' little missy" and then figuring out two scenes later that they were all related to her? Ugh.
It is truly a testament to the talent of J. Law that this movie was watchable at all. Not only was she able to bring some reasonable and realistic humanity in a world full of melodramatically aggressive adults, but I also applaud her for finding incredible little hidden nuggets of humor in an otherwise humorless tale.
...But tbh the real dark horse, scene-stealer for me was when J. Law crashes a good old fashioned Ozarks party and stumbles into real-life blues singer Marideth Sisco, who croons this haunting ballad:
The Nightingale (2018)
Directed by: Jennifer Kent
Written by: Jennifer Kent
Starring: Aisling Franciosi, Baykali Ganambarr, Sam Claflin
IMDB Synopsis: Set in 1825, Clare, a young Irish convict woman, chases a British officer through the rugged Tasmanian wilderness, bent on revenge for a terrible act of violence he committed against her family. On the way she enlists the services of an Aboriginal tracker named Billy, who is also marked by trauma from his own violence-filled past.
Written by: Jennifer Kent
Starring: Aisling Franciosi, Baykali Ganambarr, Sam Claflin
IMDB Synopsis: Set in 1825, Clare, a young Irish convict woman, chases a British officer through the rugged Tasmanian wilderness, bent on revenge for a terrible act of violence he committed against her family. On the way she enlists the services of an Aboriginal tracker named Billy, who is also marked by trauma from his own violence-filled past.
Jennifer Kent...
 | "Now, it’s not just female filmmakers making romantic comedies, but there are female filmmakers across the board. It’s no longer a realm for women that’s impossible." - From Brisbane, Australia - Initially pursued acting because she "wasn't aware that women could direct movies." - Was inspired to direct after watching Lars Von Triers Dancer in the Dark and wrote to him asking if she could apprentice with him... and he said yes!! - She went on to work under him on the set of his next film, Dogville in 2002 - In 2005 she directed her first short, Monster, which she later adapted into her debut feature Babadook |
HOLY SHIT this entire movie should come with a massive trigger warning - in the first 15 min, the main character is raped twice and then watches her husband and tiny little adorable round-faced BABY get murdered in front of her. Yeah. The baby dies. It's not my favorite.
It's also about an hour too long. I was totally invested on her journey into the uncivilized jungles of Australia to track down the men who wronged her and have her revenge - which she does get, a little - but after murdering the Baby-Killing Asshole, suddenly all her trauma seems to catch up with her, and she completely freezes in the face of The Rapist Asshole.
On the one hand, that's some ballsy writing: It's tragic but it's actually super realistic. On the other hand, the narrative thread totally fizzles out from there, and with little to no redemption. This young woman has endured SO MUCH at this point, and literally murdered a man in the jungle with her bare hands and a small, rusty knife - and now, NOW she freezes? And then breaks down? And then her beautifully acted Indigenous companion that she has learned she has more in common with since she's an Irish prisoner and they both hate the British and he speaks his native tongue and she speaks Gaelic and they have some really fucking beautiful moments of solidarity, HE is the one who goes on to avenge the men for her? And she just, like... checks out? And I get it, Billy had reasons for wanting his revenge too, but I wanted to see her go Kill Bill on those motherfuckers! I felt like they were setting us up for a wilderness road-trip take on Girl With The Dragon Tattoo except there was no revenge-rape scene. There was just a lot of getting raped. :(
Also, despite there being some outstanding little moments that I've never seen in a film before, there were others that just straight up did not make logical sense:
The Interesting:
- she keeps waking up with her breastmilk leaking through her dress, a constant (and physically painful) reminder that her baby is dead
- the Irish/Indigenous comparison (I think we can all agree that in the overall scope of human history, black/brown/indigenous folks have suffered far more than white folks, but there was a moment in history where the Irish were also treated quite barbarically).
- utterly haunting Gaelic folk songs
The Bad:
- Clare finally has her confrontation with The Main Asshole guy by barging into the middle of some kind of soldier luncheon (??) and starts this great monologue about how the woman he raped is DEAD and you can't kill what DOESN'T DIE and while it's a great moment but I'm also just like...?? Why the fuck aren't these soldier guys stopping her??
- And then she fucking SINGS A SONG??? And everyone just lets her?? Again, it was a beautiful moment, but it did NOT make any sense at all?? I'm sorry, but it completely took me out of the whole moment.
- Billy gets straight up SHOT IN THE STOMACH POINT BLANK and then rides a horse for several hours, DANCES on the fucking beach, and does not die?? I'll be the first to admit I don't know exactly how gunpowder works, but...??? Pretty sure you'd fucking die??
Overall, I loved seeing Kent's handiwork when it came to Women vs. Wilderness. Her protagonist was resilient AF - but unlike J. Law, she actually was a fully-formed character (and not just J. Law in a thinly veiled disguise). Despite the plot holes and moments that missed the mark, this movie was beautifully crafted. Way too long and fucking traumatizing and I'll absolutely never watch it again, but yeah, it was pretty well-done.
And the winner is...
I actually love how much these movies have in common. They're both about young people whose greatest struggle in life is the fact that they were born female... In Boys Don't Cry, a young trans man from rural Nebraska desperately tries to form his own "found" family and find acceptance; in Whale Rider a young Maori girl suffers the brunt of her grandfather's disappointment that she was born instead of the prophesied savior of their people.
Boys Don't Cry (1999)
Directed by: Kimberly Peirce
Written by: Kimberly Peirce, Andy Bienen
Starring: Hilary Swank, Chloë Sevigny, Peter Sarsgaard
IMDB Synopsis: A young man named Brandon Teena navigates love, life, and being transgender in rural Nebraska.
Kimberly Peirce... | - Made a short film about the case of Brandon Teena (a transgender man who was brutally raped and murdered) for her final thesis project at the University of Chicago. She moved up to Falls City, Nebraska, to interview Lana (Brandon's girlfriend) and her mother, as well as attend the trials of Brandon's murderers. It was this short film that garnered her attention from producers seeking to make it a feature. - Two years later - after working multiple jobs to help fund it - Peirce was able to make Boys Don't Cry starring Hilary Swank and Chloe Sevigny. Sevigny was nominated for both a Golden Globe and an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress, and Swank took home the Oscar for Best Actress that year (beating Winona Ryder's exceptional performance in Girl, Interrupted). |
I had to keep reminding myself in Boys Don't Cry that it was made in 1999 (and conceptualized even earlier), so people were NOT ready for an open conversation about the brutal discrimination and violence that transgender folks live with on a daily basis. I watched this film in high school - I rented it from the used book & video store I worked at when I was 15 and watched it when my parents were out of town - and I remember watching it through my fingers. It was so brutal and so harrowing and I knew next to NOTHING about trans folks. Looking back on it now, I had major gender dysphoria and queer shame (vocabulary that I did not have access to when I was a teen), and Brandon Teena's story felt like the inevitable end of the road for confused freaks like me. I know now that I am not trans (I think I fall somewhere more on the genderqueer/non-binary scale), but watching a story like this was groundbreaking for me.
However, there are parts of it that feel like a formulaic 90's drama - falling in love while doing karaoke, LOTS of moody driving scenes, weird intercuts to sped up b-roll footage of the road zooming by. I realize that Peirce was probably utilizing a lot of these more familiar visual tropes to make the story more accessible to a wider audience, since the subject matter was so likely to be off-putting to most. Which is a bummer, because I would've loved to see more weird, arthouse-y flashbacks to what Brandon was like as a teenager, or some insightful drunken monologues from the otherwise pretty generic homophobic bad guys who end up murdering him. Sadly I just don't think 1999 was ready for that - or ready to see how much of themselves were reflected in the villains.
Also I just have to add: it is still REMARKABLE to me how Brandon was able to woo the people in Falls City (particularly Lana and her mother) by doing little else other than literally just being a NICE FUCKING GUY. That was legitimately such a rare and mind blowing concept to them. I mean, Chloe Sevigny literally falls in love with him after like 2 dates because he respects her body, is NICE to her, and GOES DOWN ON HER. THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL IT TOOK. Realistically, that was probably the BEST SEX Lana had ever had in her life. THINK ABOUT THAT.
Whale Rider (2002)
Directed by: Niki Caro
Written by: Niki Caro, Witi Ihimaera (book)
Starring: Keisha Castle-Hughes, Rawiri Paratene, Vicky Haughton, Cliff Curtis
IMDB Synopsis: A contemporary story of love, rejection and triumph as a young Maori girl fights to fulfill a destiny her grandfather refuses to recognize.
Niki Caro...
 | - From Wellington, NZ Has no formal film training, but trained herself by adapting screenplays from her favorite books (which her mother would type up for her, cute!) - Whale Rider was her first feature film to direct, and earned Keisha Castle-Hughes an Oscar nomination - She went on to direct Charlize Theron in North Country, who also received an Oscar & Golden Globe nomination for Best Actress - Her adaptation of Mulan (2020) makes her part of Disney's "$100M Women's Club" along with Ava DuVernay (A Wrinkle in Time) and Anna Boden (Captain America) - they are the only three women to ever be hired by Disney to direct a feature film with a budget of +$100 million. |
This is another movie I hadn't seen since high school, and GODDAMN I FORGOT HOW INTRINSIC IT WAS TO MY ENTIRE UPBRINGING.
Without spoiling too much of my memoir... I was raised by Evangelical Christian missionary parents who moved us to the Big Island of Hawaii when I was 12 years old to work for the YWAM Kona Base (Youth With A Mission; the world's largest "non-denominational" Christian missions organization). It was somewhere between a cult and a community college, with global field trips included. While my father was by no means as gnarly as Keisha Castle-Hughes grandfather in the film, I remember deeply resonating with her struggle to be taken seriously as a woman in her spiritual community, and the re-watch was no different.
In a few articles I read, Caro was insistent that this was a story about smashing the patriarchy, not about interfering with traditional Maori culture, which I think is crucial to appreciating it. The Maoris are exceptionally matriarchal, but it would appear that the spread of toxic masculinity has no limits.
It was also interesting to watch two films where the lead actresses were both nominated for Academy Awards, especially since it feels like all the other films I've watched so far haven't been very actor-focused. As a failed actress, I appreciate watching films like this immensely (although it is always a bit of a bummer when the performances outweigh the overall greatness of the film).
And the winner is...
If this was a competition of Hilary Swank vs. Keisha Castle-Hughes, Boys Don't Cry would've won. But it ain't. This is Matriach Madness...
No One Is Reading This Goddamn Blog.
Which normally wouldn't bother me that much, because truthfully, NONE of my projects have a very wide audience and I've made my peace with that.
But we're on lockdown in the middle of a global pandemic with nothing but WiFi and free time and I am losing my goddamn mind. I need to connect with people. I need to watch movies to escape the anxiety and uncertainty. And, although I'm not proud of it, I need affirmation from people on the internet that I am hilarious and that my life is not utterly and completely pointless.
That's fine. I can pivot.
So I've remade my entire bracket, BECAUSE I AM INSANE.
Should I have just let this whole project go? PROBABLY! But before Enneagram's came onto the scene (I'm a hard 8, by the way) there was a little thing called Meyer's Brigg's and I am the DEFINITION of an INFJ. You know what the "J" stands for?? JUDGEMENT. Or, as my mother much more kindly puts it, "closure." I NEED CLOSURE. I CAN'T LEAVE THIS UNFINISHED.
So to appease all you uncultured RUBES (it's okay, I am actually one of you too), I have reworked the entire goddamn thing. I am including the ones I've already watched because my god that was a lot of time, energy, and money. But hopefully now you'll actually recognize the rest of these films.
The New Bracket:
The New Directors:
The New Films:
Will this make you actually watch & read along? WHO KNOW!
Will I stick to this? WHO KNOWS!
Will it give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning instead of lying awake for hours swaddled in my depression blanket burrito desperately searching the internet for some semblance of meaning in my life?
WHO.
FUCKING.
KNOWS.
But this new bracket has strippers, Harley Quinn, & Nora Goddamn Ephron on it so if that doesn't make you care even a TINY bit then I GUESS I NEVER REALLY KNEW YOU ANYWAY.
Lynne Ramsay is a Scottish director, producer, writer, and cinematographer, known for her sparse dialogue, saturated visuals, and elliptical, non-sequential story-telling style. Her stories tend to center on struggling folks grappling with loss, grief, and mourning. She received a bit of infamy a few years back, after walking out on the doomed film Jane Got A Gun. According to the producers, she walked out on the first day of filming; according to Ramsay, she spent months of time, energy, and money working with the young writer, meticulously cast every character and extra, and even learned to film horses, only to learn that the producers wanted to rewrite the story with a happy ending. Ramsay did not. When the producers began asking for extra "covering shots," she knew that they were planning on editing the new "happy ending" in post-production, against Ramsay's wishes. So she walked. (Good for her!!).
This led to a long slump between projects, until she was rightfully resurrected with her unique take on the long-attempted adaptation of We Need To Talk About Kevin; and again a few years later with the quiet thriller You Were Never Really Here starring Joaquin Phoenix, which won her Best Original Screenplay and Best Actor at Cannes (an unprecedented and highly revered combination).
This led to a long slump between projects, until she was rightfully resurrected with her unique take on the long-attempted adaptation of We Need To Talk About Kevin; and again a few years later with the quiet thriller You Were Never Really Here starring Joaquin Phoenix, which won her Best Original Screenplay and Best Actor at Cannes (an unprecedented and highly revered combination).
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“I’ve got a reputation for being difficult,” she says, “and yet with my crew and my cast, I’m super-collaborative and we get on really well, and they like working with me. So to me that always feels like bullshit. You’re doing a tough job, where you’re the captain of the ship, and there’s always tough decisions to make, and sometimes you’ve just got to go, ‘That’s not right for this’. You’ve got to stick up for what you believe in. If you don’t do that, you’re doing a disservice to the audience, because you’re making something really diluted.
And if you do that when you’re a guy, you’re seen as artistic – “difficulty” is seen as a sign of genius. But it’s not the same for women. It’s a tough industry, and if you’re a woman it’s harder, whether you like it or not.” - The Guardian
Morvern Callar (2002)
Directed by: Lynne Ramsay
Written by: Lynne Ramsay & Liana Dognini (screenplay), based on the novel by Alan Warner
Starring: Samantha Morton
IMDB Synopsis: After her beloved husband's suicide, a mourning supermarket worker and her best friend hit the road in Scotland, but find that grief is something that you can't run away from forever.
Cell Phone Rating: 📱📱📱📱📱/ 5
*Trigger Warnings* Suicide, really bad crime, and an existential ennui that makes Camus' The Stranger look like Polly fucking Anna.
Written by: Lynne Ramsay & Liana Dognini (screenplay), based on the novel by Alan Warner
Starring: Samantha Morton
IMDB Synopsis: After her beloved husband's suicide, a mourning supermarket worker and her best friend hit the road in Scotland, but find that grief is something that you can't run away from forever.
Cell Phone Rating: 📱📱📱📱📱/ 5
*Trigger Warnings* Suicide, really bad crime, and an existential ennui that makes Camus' The Stranger look like Polly fucking Anna.
To be totally honest, I had an extremely hard time watching this movie. I have jokingly thought to myself about making a new starring system for grading films, but instead of stars I would use cell phones to represent how many times I reached for my phone out of absolute boredom. From now on, I will start including this grading method in my info-preamble. For example:
I had to do extensive research to try and justify why this movie is the way it is, but have not yet discovered a satisfactory explanation.
To contextualize: we open up on Morvern Callar (yep, that's her name) finding her boyfriend dead on the kitchen floor on Christmas day. He has written a suicide note for her on the computer, apologizing for his actions and insisting it had nothing to do with her and that he loved her very much. He also requests that she print out his novel and send it out, as it was his dying wish for it to be published.
To contextualize: we open up on Morvern Callar (yep, that's her name) finding her boyfriend dead on the kitchen floor on Christmas day. He has written a suicide note for her on the computer, apologizing for his actions and insisting it had nothing to do with her and that he loved her very much. He also requests that she print out his novel and send it out, as it was his dying wish for it to be published.
  |   |
So what does Morvern do? Oh, you know, just the normal things: she opens up her Christmas presents, gets dressed up, goes out clubbing, does some drugs, has a threesome, comes back home, puts a bed sheet over the her corpse of her boyfriend, goes to work at the supermarket, comes home and makes herself dinner, burns a pizza, moves her boyfriend's corpse into the bathroom, scrubs the kitchen floor, cuts her boyfriends body up into pieces, puts them in a backpack, takes them to the woods, buries them, does a little dance, goes back home, opens up his novel, changes his name to HER NAME, prints it out, sends it to publishers, takes the money that was intended for her boyfriend's funeral and goes to a resort in Spain with her best friend, finds out one drunken night that her BFF slept with her (dead) boyfriend, seems to feel nothing about this, locks herself out of the hotel room while her BFF is clubbing, knocks on a random door, a hot young guy opens it, he's crying because his mother just died, they have sex (???), Morvern finally freaks out a LITTLE the next morning and makes the BFF come with her to find "a better resort," they take a taxi to the middle of nowhere, get lost in rural Spain, pass out on the side of the road, Morvern ABANDONS her there and hitch hikes back to the main city, gets a phone call from those publishers (who think the manuscript), meets up with them, they offer her $100,000 for the book, she goes back home to pack her bags, takes her dead boyfriend's music collection, locks up the house behind her, has one last drink with her BFF at their neighborhood bar (she managed to find her way home after being literally left for dead on the side of the road in the middle of goddamn nowhere), and then takes her one little hobo bag to the train station to presumably start her new life doing whatever the fuck she wants because she's kind of rich now.
Shockingly, that run-on sentence description was easily 128% more interesting to read than actually watching it unfold, which is absolutely bonkers because it has all the potential to be fascinating. I found myself reminiscing about the film Bleu by Polish filmmaker Krzysztof Kieślowski, which spectacularly captures the bizarre emotional landscape of grief. What’s so upsetting about Morvern Callar is that she doesn’t appear to be just dealing with her trauma in an unusual way - she doesn’t seem to be affected at all. I tried looking up excerpts or reviews from the novel this is based on, and they all said the exact same thing: the book is written in first person singular, and Morvern’s voice is monotonous, detached, and utterly devoid of emotion. The only time she even gets close to exhibiting even an echo of human feeling is whenever she sees an insect, presumably because it reminds her of the worms that were crawling in and out of the dirt when she BURIED THE DISMEMBERED BODY PARTS OF HER RECENTLY DECEASED LOVER. It just blows my mind that a movie about such an outrageous series of events could be so painfully dull to observe.
But of course, you must remember My Checklist: sure there where moments of aesthetic beauty, but since Morvern didn’t care, I didn’t really care, and therefore the tension was sucked right out of the room. There was no relationship. There was no reason to give a shit, at all. And while I speculate that was the point, I really fucking hate this post-modernist notion of making pointless art to express the pointlessness of life. I went through my existentialist phase in college, I smoked clove cigarettes, I dated an abusive asshole who called my art “masturbatory,” I argued with a professor about The Urinal. I get it, I really do. I’m just not into watching an entire movie about it. There were so many ways this story could’ve been told with a little more heart, gotten us to care even a little bit - I found myself craving for the narrated voiceover we at least got in Reichardt’s River of Grass, something to let us into Samantha Morton’s head - because despite everything, her head will always just seem like a really cool place! But I got nothing.
Actually, that's not entirely true. I got this one cool song, from the mix tape soundtrack of the deceased. RIP James Gillespie, sorry your girlfriend sucked, you had dope taste in music.
Actually, that's not entirely true. I got this one cool song, from the mix tape soundtrack of the deceased. RIP James Gillespie, sorry your girlfriend sucked, you had dope taste in music.
We Need To Talk About Kevin (2011)
Directed by: Lynne Ramsay
Written by: Lynne Ramsay & Rory Stewart Kinnear, based on the novel by Lionel Shriver
Starring: Tilda Swinton, Ezra Miller, John C. Reilly, Jasper Newell
IMDB Synopsis: Kevin's mother struggles to love her strange child, despite the increasingly dangerous things he says and does as he grows up. But Kevin is just getting started, and his final act will be beyond anything anyone imagined.
*Trigger Warning* Child-related violence, school shooting, and one (most likely) murdered hamster
There is no one who captures atmosphere quite like Lynne Ramsay.
I'm intrigued by this concept of an "omnipotent, unseen main character," because I've seen it used in such a unique myriad of ways throughout this bracket: most recently, I'm reminded of Reichardt's landscapes and Sciamma's tension. Of course these are elements that all films have, but the way these women managed to make them full-bodied, potent, invisible characters was extraordinary. And that's exactly what Ramsay does with atmosphere... through a flutter of meticulously disjointed images and a creeping soundscape, I once again felt like I was walking through a museum gallery of contemporary photography, or watching the weirdest music video ever. But if you keep watching, you realize these are all tiny details of a much larger whole. Kevin reminded me of those pieces of art where a much larger image is composed of hundreds, even thousands of tiny photographs; you start out zoomed in on a single image, then another, then another, and by the end of the film you feel like you're standing in the back of an empty room, staring at the horrifying masterpiece from fifty feet away, finally able to see it's completed form in all it's terrible glory.
Forget the trailer, hands down the greatest moment in this film (acting wise) is Ezra Miller's outstanding performance of this scathing monologue, and the look on Tilda Swinton's face...
Written by: Lynne Ramsay & Rory Stewart Kinnear, based on the novel by Lionel Shriver
Starring: Tilda Swinton, Ezra Miller, John C. Reilly, Jasper Newell
IMDB Synopsis: Kevin's mother struggles to love her strange child, despite the increasingly dangerous things he says and does as he grows up. But Kevin is just getting started, and his final act will be beyond anything anyone imagined.
*Trigger Warning* Child-related violence, school shooting, and one (most likely) murdered hamster
There is no one who captures atmosphere quite like Lynne Ramsay.
I'm intrigued by this concept of an "omnipotent, unseen main character," because I've seen it used in such a unique myriad of ways throughout this bracket: most recently, I'm reminded of Reichardt's landscapes and Sciamma's tension. Of course these are elements that all films have, but the way these women managed to make them full-bodied, potent, invisible characters was extraordinary. And that's exactly what Ramsay does with atmosphere... through a flutter of meticulously disjointed images and a creeping soundscape, I once again felt like I was walking through a museum gallery of contemporary photography, or watching the weirdest music video ever. But if you keep watching, you realize these are all tiny details of a much larger whole. Kevin reminded me of those pieces of art where a much larger image is composed of hundreds, even thousands of tiny photographs; you start out zoomed in on a single image, then another, then another, and by the end of the film you feel like you're standing in the back of an empty room, staring at the horrifying masterpiece from fifty feet away, finally able to see it's completed form in all it's terrible glory.
Forget the trailer, hands down the greatest moment in this film (acting wise) is Ezra Miller's outstanding performance of this scathing monologue, and the look on Tilda Swinton's face...
One of my favorite progressions was at the very beginning: we're jumping back and forth between Eva's present (her son has committed an atrocity and is in prison, and she lives alone a shitty house), and her past (life before children, getting pregnant, Kevin's early life). In under 60 seconds, we are given these three images: Eva, pregnant and terrified in pre-natal yoga class, Eva walking down the hall being surrounded by little ballerinas in tutus, and Eva passing through a maximum security prison to visit her son.
Maybe it's just my inner English Lit nerd, but the comparison here is not that subtle. The juxtaposition of a pregnant woman with fear and dread in her eyes to her fifteen years later, the most exhausted looking woman on the planet, passing through prison security: Pre-Natal Yoga is to Baby as Maximum Security is to...? Spoiler alert, but Baby = Prison. And being overwhelmed with the presence of several dozen precious, innocent girls in an achingly obvious feminine trope (ballerina = frail, femininity, expectations of women in society to endure incredible pain and look beautiful while doing it) was just a very nice touch.
As for the rest of the atmosphere: red, red, and more red. A dense crowd, covered in violent red pulp (Spain’s La Tomatina festival, perhaps?), red light on a sad dinner of red wine and eggs with ketchup, coming from the red paint splattered on Eva’s post-traumatic incident home; red and blue lights from the ambulances coming to collect the bodies Kevin piled up; a red ball that toddler-Kevin refuses to play with nicely, red ink destroying Eva’s home office, her one refuge from her demon-child; blood coming up from the sink after teenage-Kevin stuffs his kid sister’s pet hamster in the garbage disposal…
The list goes on and on, but the through-line is another unsubtle juxtaposition: Eva’s new home is vandalized with red paint, and we are constantly assaulted with inter spliced scenes of her power-sanding it into oblivion, scrubbing it with bleach, or peeling it with razor blades. Nothing can quite get that damned spot out, though.
I’m honestly delighted by Ramsay’s blatant use of the visual metaphor; because on the one hand, the analogies are super aggressive and make no pretense of being delicate. On the other hand, because she weaves them so persistently in with the rest of the story, they catch you off guard, and at first glance feel totally disconnected. But they’re not! Everything is connected! I love it when stories do that - like a macabre tapestry with one loose thread that has the power to pull the whole damn thing apart.
I've never read the book it's based on, so perhaps it goes into more detail there, but I was perhaps most deeply impacted by the delicate usage of the Robin Hood "allegory." Kevin despises his mother to an almost obsessive degree, and seemingly has since birth. No matter how hard she tries to love him, it only makes him hate her more. He appears to believe love is a weakness, and seems to get off on watching Eva become weaker and weaker as she runs out of ways to try and make her son love her. The doctor, the husband, the lack of teachers or other parents who ever comment on his behavior - they all unknowingly join Kevin in gas-lighting Eva.
There is exactly ONE moment when Kevin ever lets his guard down and offers up a crumb of affection to Eva: he gets the stomach flu, and after dutifully cleaning his vomit and tucking him into bed, she reads him a bedtime story - Robin Hood. Dad comes to check on them, and for the first (and last) time, Kevin tells Dad to fuck off, because he wants Mom instead. Eva is ecstatic, but the change of behavior is short-lived, because the very next morning Kevin's back to telling Mom to fuck off and die.
But the love - or is it obsession? - with Robin Hood sticks. Kevin becomes fascinated with the character, dons his costume as a child, and takes up a love of archery... the same weapon that he will ultimately use to murder his schoolmates. Not only was this a genius way to write a story about a school-shooter while delicately avoiding become gun-law propaganda, but this twist manages to give the teenage Kevin the kind of depth that it generally takes serial killers decades to perfect (or at least an entire season of television). It reminded me of the aptly named character Achilles from the book Ender's Shadow by Orson Scott Card, a homeless child turned teenage serial killer who's hit list is everyone who ever witnessed him weak or offered him help.
Now I realize this is more a commentary on the writing, but the way Ramsay manages to connect these little moments and images is actually the most subtle part of the film. The name "Robin Hood" is never spoken, you never even see the full cover of the book, you are just given little crumbs of detail, and left to put all the pieces back together for yourself.
There is exactly ONE moment when Kevin ever lets his guard down and offers up a crumb of affection to Eva: he gets the stomach flu, and after dutifully cleaning his vomit and tucking him into bed, she reads him a bedtime story - Robin Hood. Dad comes to check on them, and for the first (and last) time, Kevin tells Dad to fuck off, because he wants Mom instead. Eva is ecstatic, but the change of behavior is short-lived, because the very next morning Kevin's back to telling Mom to fuck off and die.
But the love - or is it obsession? - with Robin Hood sticks. Kevin becomes fascinated with the character, dons his costume as a child, and takes up a love of archery... the same weapon that he will ultimately use to murder his schoolmates. Not only was this a genius way to write a story about a school-shooter while delicately avoiding become gun-law propaganda, but this twist manages to give the teenage Kevin the kind of depth that it generally takes serial killers decades to perfect (or at least an entire season of television). It reminded me of the aptly named character Achilles from the book Ender's Shadow by Orson Scott Card, a homeless child turned teenage serial killer who's hit list is everyone who ever witnessed him weak or offered him help.
Now I realize this is more a commentary on the writing, but the way Ramsay manages to connect these little moments and images is actually the most subtle part of the film. The name "Robin Hood" is never spoken, you never even see the full cover of the book, you are just given little crumbs of detail, and left to put all the pieces back together for yourself.
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There is one image that will haunt me the most from this film, and it's 100% Ramsay: Eva comes home from the school, after watching her son taken away in handcuffs, surrounded by his carnage. She calls for her husband and daughter, but no one is home. The curtain covering the door to the backyard is billowing in the wind, the very first image we see in the film. We suddenly remember that in all those scenes where Eva was scrubbing that shitty house and working that shitty job, there really was no mention of what happened to her husband, was there? If there's one thing in common with stories about school-shooters, it's who they kill first... She walks to the backyard, and sure enough, her husband and young daughter were not spared from Kevin's wrath. Eva reappears from the curtains, covered in their blood, and collapses on the bed. I have never seen an actor embody the utter devastation and hollowness that Tilda Swinton manages to accomplish.
And in the distance, blurry through the back window, we see that goddamned archery target.
And the winner is...
There are so many things I like about Ramsay's style - her ability to visually tell a story with color, space, imagery, and editing is truly unique and I find myself getting excited when she's really in her groove. But just as quickly she seems to veer off track, and I feel like I'm watching someone else's day dream. Take us with you, Ramsay! I don't just want to watch you have an acid trip, I want to trip acid with you! Ah well. I guess they can't all be perfect gems.
I have been percolating on this bracket all week.
These two women are undeniably talented, but when it comes down to it, I just plain liked one more than the other. It’s proving tremendously difficult to accurately suss out the difference between objective skill and personal taste, so instead I’ll do my best to remark upon the differences and similarities of each “flavor profile,” as it were, and attempt to determine from there why one of these ladies just tasted so much better to me.
These two women are undeniably talented, but when it comes down to it, I just plain liked one more than the other. It’s proving tremendously difficult to accurately suss out the difference between objective skill and personal taste, so instead I’ll do my best to remark upon the differences and similarities of each “flavor profile,” as it were, and attempt to determine from there why one of these ladies just tasted so much better to me.
It seems unfair to compare their respective usage of tension, since the circumstances of the plot were so radically different. River of Grass is about a deliriously bored woman and man who meet in a bar and then end up on the lam because they inaccurately believe they killed a man. The stakes feel high for them, but the audience knows that they actually aren't. Yet despite an admittedly humorous premise, it never even comes close to feeling comical: the severe emotional detachment of the narrator was so unnervingly despondent, it casually walked the line between driftlessly suicidal and caustically nihilistic.
In Portrait of a Lady on Fire, two women fall in love in the 18th century and know that when the week is over, they will never see or speak to each other again. They are under the pressure of both the limits of time and the limits of their time. The first half of the film we see through the eyes of the painter who was hired to paint a wedding portrait for a young woman without her knowing about it; the second half she has conceded to being painted, and the focus shifts from the gazer to the gazee. Every second is wrought with the tension of what they have in the present moment, and absorbing every touch, glance, sigh, and tear until their time is up. There is no fighting their fate. The stakes could not be higher.
In Portrait of a Lady on Fire, two women fall in love in the 18th century and know that when the week is over, they will never see or speak to each other again. They are under the pressure of both the limits of time and the limits of their time. The first half of the film we see through the eyes of the painter who was hired to paint a wedding portrait for a young woman without her knowing about it; the second half she has conceded to being painted, and the focus shifts from the gazer to the gazee. Every second is wrought with the tension of what they have in the present moment, and absorbing every touch, glance, sigh, and tear until their time is up. There is no fighting their fate. The stakes could not be higher.
Both of these films are aggressively intentional. Reichardt and Sciamma know how to wield the power of a lingering pause, but they use them as radically different vehicles. The quiet moments in River of Grass are static; even when she films scenery flying by you never quite feel like you’re going anywhere. The silence in Portrait, on the other hand, is so fraught with friction and movement that you feel exhausted after every scene.
Neither film relied heavily on dialogue; and it’s pertinent to point out that both women wrote their own scripts. Although Sciamma remains the master of it, where Reichardt failed me in Meek’s Cutoff she more than made up for in River: in every sigh, glance, and pause, there was meticulous character development.
You could see the hands of these women in their work; every scene was riddled with their fingerprints in the most delicate and nuanced fashion.
Neither film relied heavily on dialogue; and it’s pertinent to point out that both women wrote their own scripts. Although Sciamma remains the master of it, where Reichardt failed me in Meek’s Cutoff she more than made up for in River: in every sigh, glance, and pause, there was meticulous character development.
You could see the hands of these women in their work; every scene was riddled with their fingerprints in the most delicate and nuanced fashion.
"Non possum fugere" ... "I cannot flee." / Choir Conductor: Catherine Simonpiétri
Music by: Jean-Baptiste de Laubier & Arthur Simonini
Music by: Jean-Baptiste de Laubier & Arthur Simonini
Competing aesthetically, there’s no clear winner either - if River was a vintage Super 8 photograph, then Portrait is a Rococo style oil painting. That would be like juxtaposing Brigitte Bardot and Catherine I, or like attending a Battle of the Bands between The Jayhawks and Beethoven. Both films have a distinct flavor, mood, and atmosphere...
So why was one so much more powerful than the other? This is an arguably objective stance, since one was significantly more successful than the other. At the risk of sounding utterly trite, I’m just gonna come out and fucking say it:
Love. River of Grass was sorely lacking in love.
Competing aesthetically, there’s no clear winner either - if River was a vintage Super 8 photograph, then Portrait is a Rococo style oil painting. That would be like juxtaposing Brigitte Bardot and Catherine I, or like attending a Battle of the Bands between The Jayhawks and Beethoven. Both films have a distinct flavor, mood, and atmosphere...
So why was one so much more powerful than the other? This is an arguably objective stance, since one was significantly more successful than the other. At the risk of sounding utterly trite, I’m just gonna come out and fucking say it:
Love. River of Grass was sorely lacking in love.
And the winner is...
I made a “checklist” of my favorite things in film for the last bracket:
- Visual storytelling: beautiful to watch (exceptional cinematography)
- Aesthetics: beautiful to look at (exceptional production design and costumes)
- Writing: beautiful to listen to (exceptional dialogue)
- The Bechdel Test: compelling, detailed, believable female characters
- Plot: a good story, or at least a sense of urgency and importance; do I give a shit about this?
- Whimsy: an element of folklore, fantasy, or parable
I am going to add to it, something so obvious that it's shocking me I didn't think of it sooner:
- Strong and compelling relationships: where is the love?
We're officially half way through!!
I proudly present the first half of the Great Eight:
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Author
Sarah Ruth(less) Joanou is a Chicago based writer, artist, production designer, actor, & cat mom.
