Once upon a very strange time,
In a faraway place called Chicago,
There lived a man named Ronald Sharp,
Known for his chivalry and bravado.
He was a shrewd negotiator
And was the CEO in his business,
He went to the gym every day
And was never plagued with sickness.
His jaw was sharp and chiseled,
His hair well-groomed and steel gray
The muscles in his body were firm,
The man was handsome in every way.
But Ronald Sharp, though thankful for his prowess
And despite his wealth and health,
Was not satisfied with his life,
And longed for something else.
His co-workers and friends
Did what they could with their temptations,
With whiskey, pool, and gambling
And even tropical vacations.
But nothing filled that deep dark void
That plagued Ronald’s days and nights,
So he’d stay up late on the internet
Browsing for things that promised to excite.
Then one fateful Tuesday morn,
As the clock struck two-thirty-seven
Ronald Sharp’s orgasmic blue eyes
Rested on a dazzling, bold headline:
“Are you tired of feeling alone?”
Are you bored and empty inside?”
“Yes!” Thought Ronald, “I am!
This was made for me!” He cried.
“Then wait no more, and give us a call!
We’ll match you up with just the right girl
Your satisfaction is guaranteed!
“Fill out our special questionnaire,
So we can get to know your soul,
This is not like any other site
A match for the heart is our goal.”
And although Ronald was nervous,
He thought he’d give it a shot
These were professionals, after all
And it’s worth the risk, he thought.
So the next day after work,
He came home and opened some wine
Then called 1-800-Hookers-I-Need
And waited patiently on the line.
“Hello, how may we help you?”
Said a sultry voice in his ear.
“I am so alone, and empty inside,
Can you help me conquer my fears?”
“That’s what we’re here for,”
Said the girl, “Let me put you through.
I see you’ve done the questionnaire,
But we need a name for you.”
A lump got caught in Ronald’s throat.
He was desperate for a change in his tune;
But his entire reputation was at stake,
If his co-workers knew he’d be ruined.
“Just call me Prince Charming,” he decided,
And the woman collected his files.
“I think we have a few girls for you,”
And Ronald broke into a smile.
“We have one named Mistress Moxie,
She’s a redhead with tattoos,
The boys in town call her Sailor Girl,
Because of how she can handle her booze.”
“Mmm, maybe not,” Ronald said,
“Ink on the skin makes me queasy.
It’s not that I’m old fashioned,
I just don’t find the sight of them pleasing.”
“Not a problem,” said the woman,
“I have another here for you.
Her name is Temptress Tatiana,
She likes to bring in a friend… or two.”
“Threesomes or more? Oh dear,” Ronald said.
“This is not quite what I expected.”
Not without a hint of frustration,
The woman on the line objected.
“Well then, there’s only one left.
Please, are you allergic to latex?”
“Why?” Ronald asked, afraid of the answer.
“It’s for Lady Svetlana, our best dominatrix.”
Though Ronald was known as a shark in his field,
This was a place of great tenderness,
Afraid of upsetting the woman further,
He blurted, “Okay, sounds good, I accept.”
They fumbled through the financial exchanges,
And the voice gave him an address and date.
Ronald quickly hung up and poured some more wine,
Was this putting too much on his plate?
But so great was his sorrow that Ronald persisted,
He had to go through with it now.
And several days later, he stood at the door
Of the fanciest hotel downtown.
He knocked on the door, as were his instructions,
And awaited the answer on tiptoes
It opened before him to an ill-lit room,
Everything was black, even the windows.
“Take ovv your shoes,” said a husky voice.
“You vill do everysing just as I say.”
“What is that accent, I must know,” Ronald said.
For a voice had never made him feel that way.
“How dare you intervupt me!” The voice shrieked from the shadows
And a shiver went down Ronald’s spine.
“In this place, I am your master,”
And for once Ronald didn’t mind.
“Please, master, let me see your face,”
“Silly pet, I will come out ven I vanna,
Ronald whimpered as her voice roared,
Do you not know zat I am Lady Svetlana?
“Now take ovv your clothes, and put this on,”
And she tossed him leather speedo.
“Zis mask for your face, ze collar for your neck.”
And to Ronald’s surprise this all fed his libido.
“I vill come out now, and you get on all fours.”
“Yes master,” Ronald whispered with glee.
He heard the clickity-clack of stillettos come closer,
His heart pounded in his chest with the need.
“Now look at me through your mask, little pet,
Svetlana vants to look in your eyes.”
Ronald raised his chin, to the gaze of a face
Clad in latex from forehead to thighs.
Her six inch stillettos went up past her knees.
The corset on her waist cinched her in
Black sleeves on her arms connected to gloves
But a plunging neckline revealed her white bosom.
Ronald gasped at the sight of her beauty,
Violet eyes and impossibly long lashes;
For a moment he thought he detected a glimmer
Of adoration from her, though in flashes.
Before he could take another breath,
Lady Svetlana got down to business;
She raised a perfect, latex hand
And slapped him with impeccable quickness.
For the first time in Ronald Sharp’s life
He was not in charge, stressed, or thinking;
In his place on all fours, he was free to be small,
And he felt the void in his heart slowly shrinking.
“It’s okay to cry,” said Lady Svetlana,
The sympathy in her voice left a trace;
And so Ronald wept for the first time in years,
As she hit him repeatedly in the face.
“I’ve never felt this way before!”
Ronald cried, the void no longer there.
“I think I’m in love with you, Lady Svetlana!”
“Get down on your knees, stay right there.”
But there was a tremble in the lady’s voice,
That Ronald began to detect,
For though she took pride in her profession,
She was lonely and very depressed.
“You’ve made me feel something I thought was lost,”
Ronald whispered to his latex-clad saviour;
“I know this is breaking the rules,
But I’d like to return the favor.”
So Svetlana lay on the black-sheeted bed
And Ronald stayed on all fours;
He crawled to the quivering woman, who said:
“My whole life I’ve been so bored.”
“Me too, my love,”
The newly-saved Ronald said.
“Now let me show you what you have shown me,”
And he laid her flat upon the bed.
Where one soul began, and the other ended,
It became difficult to distinguish;
For when Svetlana moaned her heart grew too,
As Ronald performed cunnilingus.
The night eventually came to an end,
As all remarkable things do, I fear;
“When will I ever see you again?”
Ronald whispered in his mistress’s ear.
“You don’t know vhat trouble I could be in,
For vhat happened here tonight.
My Madame vill surely ruin me
Should she discover our secret delight.”
“I won’t let her take you away from me!
You are my missing piece, my forever!”
But tears filled the poor girl’s eyes.
“It is too dangerous to stay togezzer…”
And before he could open his mouth,
Lady Svetlana knocked him square in the head.
She ran out of the room, silently weeping
As Ronald passed out on the bed.
Days turned to weeks for poor Ronald Sharp,
He went through the daily grind,
But now that he knew what it was he was missing
He couldn’t get her out of his mind.
Sharp stopped eating or drinking,
Took to wandering the streets
He’d whisper her name under his breath,
“Svetlana, Svetlana my sweet…”
“Hey there sugar pie,”
A voice responded one night.
“Y’know, you’re kinda cute,
But you look a little uptight.”
Ronald whirled around to see
Who was interrupting his woeful address;
And he found the voice was coming from
A monumental black trans goddess.
“My name is Dee-Licious,”
The deep and rich voice drawled,
She was wearing sparkles everywhere
And a skirt that barely covered her balls.
“I think that maybe I can help you,
You poor lil’ sugar pie.”
“Were you listening to me?” Ronald asked.
“Hun, the whole town can hear you cry.”
“I’ve lost my one true love,” he said.
“I don’t know how you can help.”
“You said her name was Svetlana?”
“Do you know her?” Ronald yelped.
“Oh honey, that name is only whispered
Behind the darkest of locked doors.
For she belongs to Sherry Champagne
The Madame of this City's Whores.”
“Svetlana told me about her.
She sounds like quite the witch.”
Dee Licious shook her head with sorrow.
“I’ve seen her cut a bitch.”
“The woman can’t keep doing this,
She has my soulmate in chains!
But how, Dee Licious, can she be stopped?
Rest assured, I’ll take whatever pains.”
“’Course you will honey, but you’ll need me.
Someone who’s good at turning tricks.
That’s the only way to catch
The town’s best dominatrix.”
It suddenly occurred to Ronald
That he was conversing with a stranger
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Dee Licious
But why do you want to help me save her?”
“Well hun, truth be told, I care more
About stopping Sherry Champagne.
That bitch has taken all our business
She calls the drag queens “a dirty shame.”
“Fair enough,” Ronald resolved.
“So long as you play your part.”
“Oh sugar, you bet I will.”
“Good. Now where do we start?”
“Well here’s what I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout,"
Dee Licious whispered to Sharp.
“It’s not like I can call the cops,
But you could play the part!”
“Dress up, you mean?” Ronald asked.
“Yes, just for one night.
Pretend to bust the whole place down,
Arrest them left and right.”
“There’s no way your Russian darling
Has a green card to her name.
You could take her away and no one could stop you,
Not even Sherry Champagne.”
“Dee Licious, you are brilliant!
But there is just one flaw:
I don’t have a police costume,
A badge, or knowledge of the law.”
“Oh honey, who do you think you’re talkin’ to?”
Dee Licious said with a laugh
I have friends with plenty of costumes,
They will help you on my behalf.
..And as for the rest, well come on, hun
Just puff up your chest real big.
For women like me, there ain't no good or smart cops
Every one I've ever met is a pig."
So then and there the two conspired,
On when and where to meet;
And twenty-four long hours later,
They met up on the street.
“You have the clothes?” Ronald asked.
“Right here, go give it a whirl!
“Sherry’s brothel is that building there,
So get dressed, and go save your girl!”
Ronald stood before the door,
With the breath gone from his chest
He readjusted his police man’s badge
Within the comfort of a bullet-proof vest.
Before he could raise his fist
To give a knock upon the brothel,
The door opened swiftly with a click
A woman answered, and smelled awful.
She was pale with painted brows
Wrinkles drooping everywhere
Gaudy jewels and a mothy turban,
That smelled of bourbon and despair.
“You must be Sherry Champagne,”
Ronald Sharp said, staying brave.
“Come on in, handsome,
Have a drink, please stay.”
He walked into the lion’s den
It was cold and reeked of booze
The cushions on the couch were bare
A rat or two ran loose.
“Now what can I help you with?”
Sherry said through missing teeth.
Her hollow eyes bulged when she spoke
She appeared quite like a snake.
“I’m here to check upon your workers,
Within this here establishment.
It has come to the police’s attention
You have girls here without their consent.
So I’d like to see some paperwork,
Especially your foreign employees.
And if they cannot produce their cards,
I’ll have to take them in for questioning.”
“Absolutely, officer,” Sherry said,
With a dark look in her eyes.
“Girls, come down here please!”
She called, and simpered with delight.
One, by one, by one, by one,
The girls came down the stairs
There were five of them in total,
And they lined up like nuns at prayer.
But to Ronald’s sore dismay
Each girl’s face was thoroughly covered
A black leather hood hid their faces
And he knew he was in trouble.
“You little bitch!” cried Sherry Champagne.
“Did you think that you could trick me?”
And with one motion she ripped off his costume
Leaving the man in nothing but his underthings.
“For weeks I have waited for you to show,
I have friends in many a high place.
You think you can take Svetlana from me?
Why, you’ve never even seen her face.”
“You evil cunt, you have my love!”
Ronald bellowed, flushed with rage.
“And you’ll never see her again, you brute
Unless you play my little game.”
“For I care little of your love,”
Said Sherry with a smile.
“But I have a weakness for gambling,
And I’d like to see you squirm awhile.”
“Fine then, you crooked wretch,
Tell me what it is I must do.”
“You must guess which one is the girl
That is worth all this sadness and rue.”
Sherry Champagne kicked him hard in the gut
And with her heels struck him deep in the chest.
Blood trickled down as she said to him,
“You must guess with each punch to the face.”
Now kneeling before each black suited figure
Ronald looked up into the first girl’s eyes.
She wound up arm and knocked him flat on his ass
But Donald laughed, to Sherry’s surprise.
“That must be Mistress Moxie,
I have heard the stories of your wild streak.
The brutality with which you hit
Lacks the subtlety of the one I seek.”
The girl pulled off her latex hood
And revealed her mane of red hair.
“Very well, one down, and four to go!”
Said Sherry, with a glare.
Ronald looked up in the second girl’s eyes
And saw a flash of something dark
With a crack and a sting she scratched his face
Her false nails left long red marks.
“You must be the crazy one,
I’ve heard about you too.
But you could not be my Svetlana,
You’re evil, through and through.”
The second girl revealed her face,
Much like Sherry’s it was pale and taut.
“That’s my daughter, Tatiana. I guess
You’re doing better than I thought.”
Now Ronald came to girl number three
And looked up in her eyes with fervor.
They were violet, and filled with longing;
There was no need to look further.
With a quick wink she slapped his face
And sent Ronald Sharp reeling
He saw the light that only she could bring
The warmth of love and all their feelings.
“It’s you, my love, it’s always been you!”
Said Ronald, his whole being glowing.
“When you hit me I see the face of God,
Now come with me! We must be going!”
Before Sherry Champange could move an inch
Ronald grabbed Svetlana in his arms
“I’m taking you with me, to be with me forever
And I’ll be the only one who sees any harm.”
In nothing but his shoes and boxers
Ronald Sharp ran through the streets
“I’ve found the one who my heart loves!”
He screamed as Svetlana shrieked.
“I have vaited for you so long, my love,”
She said through her latex mask.
“And I for you, my mistress of pain,”
And in one another’s love they basked.
And that is the tale of how Ronald Sharp
And Lady Svetlana, with their lonely ways
Found the one thing that could fill their hearts:
And she punched his face for the rest of their days.